transparent seems to be my word of choice. Let’s get personal!

I haven’t really spoken from my whole heart in a very long time. I have become this person who is afraid to hurt other people’s feelings and/or start that “D” word that everyone loves, Drama. I used to speak from my heart all the time. And I have lost friends and respect from others due to that. But it’s mostly because it’s not the fact that I speak from my heart, it’s the way I say it. And sometimes, my words and tone can be harsh. Really harsh and I used to not understand why people didn’t see things my way. I knew what was in my heart. I knew that I meant no harm. I used to be transparent to nearly everyone. There wasn’t much that everyone didn’t know about me. Mostly due to social media.

 But a few things play a factor in this change in me. I am, by nature, transparent. I don’t mind at all that people know how I feel about any subject or how they have made me feel. And I don’t care if you know my “secrets”. I don’t have many secrets but the ones I DO have will remain just that- a secret. I would rather people know what is on my mind so that there is no question.

But due to some instances, I am no longer like that. Or I am LESS like that. It is not fun losing friends or having “troubled friendships” due to being SO transparent that you annoy people. And it is NO fun picking up the pieces after breaking someone’s heart because you vented about them on social media. Especially those pieces of someone you love more than anyone in the world (aside from your children).

Since I am an “It’s either hot or cold”, black or white” type of girl. In other words, it is or it isn’t. No in between. So instead of me adjusting the WAY I was transparent, I stopped being transparent all together and I stopped opening up to nearly anyone for the longest time. And I have to tell you that being pregnant and not having  anyone to vent to is one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. Lol

But of course, I prayed for God to put people in my life that I NEEDED. I knew who I WANTED in my life and that just wasn’t going to happen. Not right now. I have work to do and MAYBE, just maybe sometime in the future, God can trust me with that friendship again. But I still have growing to do. I honestly didn’t see this prayer being answered for a very long time. Like, I didn’t see myself opening up to anyone again. At all. Even a little bit. But little by little, God showed me that it’s ok to be REAL with people. Not everything has to be perfect all the time. It’s ok to show people that you are having a bad day. BUT there is a way to do it. There is a way to say it and a way that maybe it shouldn’t be said. And I just had to find that happy medium.

I think of it like this. A bank has a vault that I’m sure several different people have just ONE number to the code. Not one person has all the numbers to the code in order to open the vault. So that’s how I have to be. It is never a good idea to be 100% transparent to anyone except for your husband and likewise, him with you. But eventually, I do believe that God will help me to trust the way I used to. I just have to trust in Him first. And that is the hard part but I can do it. I want to do it. I NEED to do it. I NEED Him in my heart and life always. 100%.

Thus far, God has placed a couple people in my life who have helped me during my “healing” and growing. While neither of them knows that I have been battling trust issues, they have helped me so much. Just having someone there and you know they are praying for you. That they are there to support you and want to see you succeed. They want to see you continue to become a better person than you were yesterday. My husband does all of this but it’s also nice having a friend there too.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again that I have suffered a loss of a best friend before and it helps me to talk about it. And I’m sure that if she still reads my blogs that she is tired of me talking about it (sorry :-(). Lol  But I have said that she will never be replaced and that still holds true. She will never be. However, I can still heal from the things that went wrong in that friendship. I CAN trust again. Healing takes time. I have grown since then. I am a different person now and so is she. We are better people and that’s why I think that if we rekindle this friendship we had, it will all be done by the works of God. Because I think He just needed to see us be live our lives centered around Him instead of each other. For the record, she is an amazing person. And I still love her. Ok, I will stop now.

But I said the above paragraph to say that I have learned how to be a friend. And so I will be the best one I can be. I will be transparent again. I will speak from my heart. I will be raw. And I wont take any of my new friendships or relationships for granted. Ever. And I will pray over each one. And be completely thankful. So please, stay tuned because the raw, transparent Jonie has been unleashed. I’ll try not to make you hate me too much. lol

It feels like this is babble and kinda all over the place. Sorry. It’s kinda like my diary so at least I understand it. 

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